Calling In “The One” - Blog

by Katherine Woodward Thomas, M.A., MFT

For years, I tried to find “The One”. Everywhere I went, I was looking. Dinner parties, political functions, Sunday morning services, walking into the dry cleaners, the subway car, even the local Friday night Al-Anon meeting (well, come on now, aren’t “co-dependent” guys really giving?). Not even going to the market at midnight gave me a moment off. Yet, in spite of all this looking, I never found HIM anywhere. So, if I was trying that hard and couldn’t force love to come my way in life, how can I sit here now and suggest that you actually commit yourself to finding something that we apparently have no control over?

The truth is, until I actually set an intention to find love, and then committed myself 100% to becoming the woman I would need to be being in order to attract it, the love that I sought was going to remain forever out of reach. I’m convinced of it. When people hear how I met my husband, they call it Besert, which is a Yiddish word for “meant to happen”. Yet, I don’t think so. I believe that had I not committed myself to “calling in ‘the one’ and been actively organizing myself around my own inner transformation to prepare myself to receive love into my life, I would have blown it with him. Not recognized him perhaps, or somehow managed to mess it up yet again. We would have been two ships passing in the night. Yet because I had set this intention to be engaged by my 42nd birthday (without any prospects for a husband, mind you), I was not only ready, but I actually became magnetic to love. Inside of all the inner work I was doing to align myself with the me I would need to be being in order to draw that love to me, it couldn’t help but happen.

My intention was bold. It wasn’t an intention set lightly-some affirmation that I hoped would somehow work out somehow, some day. I was willing to put my money where my mouth was. I worked it. Showed up for the process. No kidding. I stood firmly on the premise that I actually had something to do with my life being the way it was. If, in self-reflecting upon how I might be the source of my own experience, I had an insight that I was being closed and defended towards the men I was meeting, I immediately altered that behavior. I didn’t analyze it too much (which we often do to delay actually having to change). Instead, I simply began to show up differently–open and curious, available and warm. I often felt vulnerable and uncertain of myself, given I was asking myself to behave in ways that were really outside of who I’d ever known myself to be before. It was an uncomfortable process to say the least. Yet, I had set an intention, and I had committed myself to doing everything I could to realize that intention. I didn’t know if it was going to work or not. I did it anyway. I committed myself 100% to doing my part, and then let the Universe figure out the rest.

I’ve always loved Goethe’s quote,

“Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.”

We must recognize that we are the creators of our future, and that our future is never bound to anything from our past. Yes, it’s true that we’re predisposed to repeat old habits and patterns. It’s the human condition. Yet, once we make a drastic decision to create something unprecedented in our lives, committing ourselves without hesitation by taking courageous actions to support the fulfillment of that intention, then magic begins to show up. Life begins to fall into place in ways you cannot even begin to imagine. Yet, we don’t invite that kind of synchronicity and magic into our lives by sitting on the sidelines, passively begging God to give us love. Instead, we set about actively causing life to begin moving in a new direction by taking radical responsibility for ourselves as the source of our experience, and powerfully altering who we are being, and how we are showing up with others. Once I did this, my whole world turned upside down. Within weeks I met my husband, in spite of the fact that I had been looking for him for at least 20 years. How’s that for standing powerfully in being the creator of one’s own life?

by Katherine Woodward Thomas, M.A., MFT

How long do you think it might take you to find a needle in a haystack? Week after week, straw after straw–searching, digging, prying, clawing–with little to show for it but blisters and sores, most likely for quite a long time. Wouldn’t it be easier to simply become magnetic and let the needle come to you? That’s the difference between current dating rituals, and finding true love by using the Law of Attraction to draw it toward you.

The Law of Attraction suggests that, before we go out to find love, we should first go within to discover and release all the barriers we’ve built against it. For although we might be spending a lot of time running around trying to find “The One”, the truth is that most of us are working against ourselves in unconscious and covert ways, actually pushing the possibility of love away, despite our efforts to the contrary. So many of us make the mistake of assuming that because we want love we are therefore ready to receive it. We assume that looking for love is the same thing as being available to create it in our lives. Yet, until we become conscious of the specific ways we are repelling love from taking root in our lives, it will continue to evade us no matter how many “duty dates” we go on. Until we learn to anchor into the deeper truth of our own value, and feel confident in our ability to navigate relationships in ways that foster mutual trust, respect, safety and care, we will not be able to attract the kind of love we are longing for. No matter how many shafts of hay we manage to shift through, that coveted needle could continue to elude us forever.

In seeking to magnetize in relationships that represent a breakthrough in what we’ve been able to create in our lives thus far, the Law of Attraction demands that we identify, and challenge, our core beliefs about ourselves, others and life in general. Discovering these beliefs may not be as easy as it sounds, for many of them live as a vague felt sense in the body that is so pervasive to our experience that we don’t actually recognize them as beliefs. In our world, that’s just how life is.

One recent participant in our Calling in “The One” 7-week teleclass, Ruby, was not consciously aware that she had a belief that relationships were dangerous. She was too busy looking for a man she felt safe with-a man she could finally trust and give herself to completely. On a conscious level, Ruby thought she was doing everything she could to find her soulmate. After a bit of questioning, however, Ruby reluctantly confessed to hanging out with ex-cons and big, strong guys who wore pistol packs on their belts. Sheepishly, she admitted that she felt safe with a man who carried a gun. Ah, how life occurs as though it’s happening to us, rather than through us.

by Katherine Woodward Thomas, M.A., MFT

Many of us are terribly confused about the criteria on which to choose a mate. So much so, that we’ll turn our backs on what might be a real opportunity for love for surprisingly superficial reasons. Either that, or we’ll run headlong into making a commitment to someone we have very little authentic connection with.

Take the two emails I received earlier this week, both written by women who’d been single for quite some time and who wanted my advice on whether or not I thought a particular man might be “The One.” The first emailed to let me know that as a result of taking our 7 week Calling in “The One” teleclass, she’d met a lovely man whom she’s been dating exclusively for the past several months. She describes them as “quite happy with each other” and reported that the sex is great, that he loves her cooking and that their communication is “pretty darn good.” Yet, she was confused as to whether or not she should continue the relationship. Apparently, her boyfriend has diabetes. Although the connection they shared was rich, sweet, and inspired, she wanted to know if I thought she should expect more for herself than a man who was burdened by a health challenge.

The other woman had recently begun reading my book, Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life. She had stopped seeing someone a few weeks before because he was “emotionally cold, distant and disconnected”. Yet, she was now second guessing herself, and wanted to know if I thought she should get back with him, given that he had so many of the things she was looking for. Did I think she should “settle” for a man who was, at least, stable and decent?

On the surface, these women seem to be facing two entirely different-if not opposite-dilemmas. One wonders if she is expecting too much. The other fears she may be expecting too little. Yet, in truth, they are dealing with the same confusion. Neither one understands what it is that she is really looking for. The first woman has mistakenly turned her quest for a mate into a quest for perfection: a man with perfect credit, perfect manners, perfect teeth and unfortunately, perfect health. Yet this kind of criteria-driven shopping for someone who fits every fantasy we have about who can offer us the perfect life is really the antithesis of love. I recall a story told by the Sufi sage, Nasrudin. One man asks the other why it is he never married. The second man answered that he’d searched high and low for the perfect woman for years. “Is it that you never found her then?” asked the first man. “Oh, I did find her. It seems, however, that she was looking for the perfect man.” Loving someone means that we are mature and evolved enough to actually extend ourselves into someone else’s world. That in addition to sharing their joys and their accomplishments in life, we also become willing to bear the burden of their challenges. It means that the connection between your hearts and souls is so strong and so powerful that no matter what life brings your way, you know you have each other to depend upon.

The second woman, too, was mistakenly relying on a list of external criteria as the basis upon which to make a decision. She was so preoccupied with her list of what she thought she should be looking for that she forgot to notice the lack of love and communion in the connection. When we become consumed with our preconceived agendas and lists, or try to find someone who fits our ideas about what the “perfect partner” might look like, we become overly concerned with the external attributes of those we are dating, and fail to consider the actual quality of the connection as the absolute, number one most important criteria upon which to base our choice.

When we look at what makes us truly happy in life, it really boils down to one thing-the quality of our connections. While success, security and comfort bring many blessings in life, happiness in the home is not necessarily one of them. In the end, it’s not really about how healthy our partner is, how secure his job is, or whether or not he makes a six-figure income. It is, however, about the depth of the communion, the sense of loyalty and care that’s between the lines, the shared values and humor, the affinity and alignment. It’s about the sweetness of the silences between you, and the inspiration, interest and creativity that flows in the conversation. When we vision for the fulfillment of love, it is these things that we meditate upon within our own being, imagining the fulfillment of this deep sense of care and connection between us and our beloved. And as we move out into the world and begin relating to others, it is this heartfelt union that we seek to offer and receive. And it is here that we will recognize “The One” we wish to commit ourselves to.

Katherine Woodward Thomas, M.A., MFT is the author of the Los Angeles Times Bestseller, Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life. Her website is www.callingintheone.com.

Katherine offers Private Coaching sessions to guide you toward the fulfillment of love in your life. For more information about Private Coaching packages from Katherine, click HERE. Contact Katherine for additional info and rates at 310-281-9788 or rosewoodcenter@gmail.com.

Dear Katherine:

I am finding myself very internal these days, spending lots of time alone meditating and examing my life. One of my 2008 New Years intentions is to find love. I’ve not been in a relationship for over ten years now but I’m still very outgoing and I spend lots of time with friends and family. So, I’m a little worried about my somewhat out of character desire to retreat and I am questioning my current reclusive status. Is it OK for me to withdraw myself socially for now or do you think I should be out trying to meet new men and “duty dating” as others tell me I should be doing?
Kate
Austin, TX

Dear Kate,
I honor you for trusting your own knowing on this one, for listening to your inner guidance which seems to be leading you into deeper levels of stillness and self-reflection. Ten years is a long time to be without a partner and I imagine that opening to a relationship after all this time is going to require some pretty major shifts within, such as identifying and letting go of all that has been keeping you alone for the past decade, as well as a profound shift of identity from experiencing yourself as a solo act to now becoming ready to be part of a couple.

Setting an intention is great but it is only the beginning. By doing so, we set the framework for the direction we commit to moving ourselves in. It often means facing things about ourselves we’ve not been willing to face to date, such as the part of us that doesn’t actually want to be in a committed relationship, or the part of us that doesn’t actually want to risk being sexual again. It often means a radical departure from our old, automatic and very comfortable ways of doing things–those habitual patterns and habits that we identify as who we are, such as “I never ask anyone for help,” or “I always take care of other people before myself.” And it means consciously challenging these old ways of being by taking new actions and behaving in ways that are outside of who we’ve known ourselves to be. Moving into stillness and getting into deeper relationship with yourself is great preparation for receiving a beloved into your life. I wish that more of us valued this time alone and apart, ensuring that we come home to the wisest and sweetest parts of ourselves before moving into committed union with another.

All love, Katherine

Dear Katherine:

New Years Eve is less than one month away and my boyfriend of 3 months has yet to ask me out. Do you think it would be OK for me to surprise him by making (and paying for) reservations at a really hot supper club? It is what I’d really love to do and I don’t want to do the sit and wait by the phone thing, waiting around for him to ask me what I want, but neither do I want to impose my preference and burden him with any obligation to pay for expensive tickets just because it’s something that I want to do. What’s the right way to handle this?

Pamela, Denver, CO

Dear Pamela,

First of all, congratulations on being so clear about what your desire is and also on your thoughtful consideration of your boyfriend’s wallet. It seems to me that the reason you are having a hard time knowing the path of right action here is that you are trying to figure this out as though relationship were a monologue and not a dialogue. Three months into a relationship, you really want to begin pushing into deeper levels of intimacy, which means that you really need to begin taking the risk of being more authentic and vulnerable, particularly about those things that you really care about, which in this case is spending New Years Eve with him.

You might start off by sharing with him what it means to you to have him in your life, and in particular, what it would mean to you to spend New Years Eve with him. Then ask him if he desires to spend New Years Eve with you, maybe even exploring how he feels about New Years Eve in general. As you enter into a dialogue designed to foster intimacy and deepen understanding, you can share about your desire to go to this supper club and ask him how he would feel about coming with you as your guest. I would make sure that you emphasize how much it would mean to you to be with him and be willing for him to come up with a different suggestion, such as a quiet night in front of the fire to ring in the New Year. I would also suggest that before you speak with him, you clarify within yourself what is more important to you-going to the supper club or being with him. If it is being with him, then let him know that straight out. This is no time to be coy. Most of us are flattered to know we matter that much to another.

Bonne Annee!
Katherine

Dear Katherine:

My mother is forever asking me who I’m dating, if it is serious, and when I’m getting married. I am 36 years old and single and she is so disappointed I feel like I can cut it with a knife. I feel like such a failure. I know she is just trying to be helpful but how do I get her off my back without hurting her feelings?

Deborah, Los Angeles, CA

Dear Deborah:

It sounds like your mother is mirroring your own desperate feelings about being single and most likely having a hard time tolerating that you feel that way about your own single status. If you were able to truly relax, knowing absolutely that you have the power to create the kind of relationship that you really desire and that this relationship is coming to you soon, you’d let your mother off the hook as well, able to relax a bit with you.

I suspect that you have some deeply held beliefs, such as I am a failure, I am alone, I am not wanted by men, or I am not good enough that are the underlying source of your desperation. I’d suggest you get clear about these beliefs and begin to challenge them, actively contesting their validity. Then begin to replace them with an assertion of the power you hold to create love in your life. Let 2008 be your year to create love by setting an intention to meet and partner with the love of your life this year. Vision this as though it were already so and begin to organize your life around who you would need to be being in order to be an extraordinary partner to an extraordinary man.

Enroll your mother into your vision by telling her, “Mom, I know he’s coming. Please don’t worry. Just hold a vision of love fulfilled for me and be happy for me in advance. That will be the most help you can give me. Have faith. I love you for caring so much.” Then allow her to support you, holding her accountable for being positive and encouraging, reminding her that it actually helps you when she responds to you in this light and that you become easily discouraged when she projects her fears onto you.

Lots of love,

Katherine

Dear Katherine:

Traditionally I suffer from depression at the holidays ever since my mom died right before Christmas when I was 10. Consequently, I find myself withdrawing and wanting to isolate at a time when most people are being social and outgoing. My friend from work is trying to cheer me up by setting me up on a blind date with her brother but I’m afraid to go out on a date right now, feeling as down in the dumps as I do. Do you think I should go anyway in the hopes that I will like him and it does end up making me feel better?
Shelly, Kansas City, MO

Dear Shelly,
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. These kinds of disappointments in life can be very difficult to overcome, but overcome them you can. My guess is that the depression you feel each year is the result of repeatedly becoming captivated by the meaning you made of your mothers passing as a young girl. Perhaps in response to the devastation of her death, you asserted to yourself (whether consciously or unconsciously) something like, “I will always be left by the people I love the most,” or “My life is cursed. Things work out for other people, but not for me,” or “I can never have what I want so why bother wanting anything”. And each year, the holiday sights and sounds are automatically retriggering you into this old belief, and serving to anchor you here until the end of the season, when it all fades more into the background. The paralysis you feel at the holiday season is you again caught inside this old, faulty meaning, unable to pull yourself into a more empowered way of perceiving your experience.

This is where you need to be fierce with yourself and take a stand to evolve yourself forward. The meaning you are stuck inside of is the meaning that you made as a ten year old. That means that a ten year old is basically running your life during the holiday season. You did not mention how old you are now, but I want to invite you to begin getting more into present time and rethink the holidays from a more adult perspective. I can’t image how your mother might feel knowing that every holiday for the rest of your life was ruined by her passing. I’m sure she would have wanted to leave a more joyful, empowered legacy. It is important that you ask yourself, how would my mother want me to experience my life, particularly around the holidays? Would she want me to close off from joy and celebration, or would she want me to embrace the years that I have on this earth, learning to love, to play, to dance and to share?

Then have a good talk with the ten year old within yourself. Acknowledge her feelings, but then gently and firmly take her by the hand, and lead her out of her cave to make merry and spread some cheer. And yes, go out on this date. And then go to a concert, a show and maybe even a party. Heck, I think you should even throw a party! In your mothers honor. Now, that’s something that would have pleased her, I’m sure.

And Merry Christmas, dear one,
Katherine